Sitting in my room in Kyiv I Matviy Kovalenko feel the urge to write this diary entry about the chain of events that reshaped everything for me and my sister Yaryna. It began years back when we still lived under one roof with our parents in our hometown. One afternoon as we climbed the stairs we caught our mother Oksana yelling behind the apartment door so loudly the whole stairwell heard every word. What is wrong with you this time how much longer must this drag on I have had enough of it all. We froze right there as though we had walked into an unseen barrier. Our eyes locked for a brief moment and that glance said more than any sentence could. Without a word we both understood the only sensible move was to turn around. We exhaled together and slipped away from the building knowing full well we would not set foot back inside that evening.
No teenager wants to waste hours listening to nonstop parental shouting matches. We walked straight to the next entrance where our babusya Kateryna Viktorivna lived. In recent times her flat had turned into the one place we could count on. Visits that once happened only on weekends now happened almost every single night. The air at home had grown impossible to breathe. Our parents shouted at each other without pause as if nothing else in the world existed. The worst part came when they began pulling us into the middle of every dispute. Mother would whirl toward Yaryna and demand tell me am I right you agree with me do you not. Father would cut in and turn to me no I am the one who is right confirm what I am saying. We kept our mouths shut. Neither of us wanted to pick a side or become another piece in their endless battle. All we wanted was quiet warmth and safety the very things we found at babusya’s.
Scenes like that played out day after day like a melody caught on repeat that no one dared switch off. We children learned to read the smallest hints that another storm was brewing the pitch of a voice a sudden jerk of an arm the way they glanced at each other. Those signals told us it was time to leave. What child enjoys living under constant pressure where any ordinary talk can explode into a shouting match within seconds. We never could grasp what had set off this family collapse. Our household had never been the picture perfect kind shown in advertisements yet earlier our parents had known how to reach agreements. Arguments occurred but they ended with calm words rather than raised voices. Mother might frown father might speak a little louder yet within half an hour everything settled. We would gather at the table again drink tea and plan the coming weekend.
Roughly two years earlier the shift happened. It felt as if someone had quietly exchanged our old parents for different ones who now discovered reasons to fight in the smallest everyday matters. A dirty cup left on the table became the start of a long speech about carelessness and disrespect. A shirt placed on the wrong hook turned into sarcastic comments about household order. A teaspoon left in the sink counted almost as a crime that required minutes of heated discussion. One evening Yaryna sat at babusya’s kitchen table stirring her tea watching the amber circles form in the cup. After a long silence she spoke with pain in her voice how could things turn out this way babusya everything changed after their shared vacation what took place there. Kateryna Viktorivna paused set her cup on the saucer and gently touched Yaryna’s hand. She herself only guessed at the roots of the discord and those guesses brought her no comfort.
Adults will work through their own matters she answered softly trying to keep her tone steady. Sometimes people need time to see the right course. Yaryna nodded yet doubt stayed in her eyes. She sensed babusya held something back but chose not to press. What use was insistence when they still viewed us as children and shared nothing serious with us. We cannot bear these screams anymore I said with desperation in my voice. I cannot finish homework or read in peace. I cannot even remember the last time we sat together as a family at the table. If being together is so difficult for them let them separate and life will ease for everyone. The words escaped on their own yet they held the full truth of recent months. I spoke for both of us I knew Yaryna felt exactly the same. Silence had vanished from our home long ago either mother spoke sharply or father answered with irritation and another fight erupted with nowhere to hide.
Matviy babusya said sounding unsettled. She set her knitting aside looked at me closely and slowly shook her head. Yet have you thought what follows if they divorce you two will be divided are you prepared to live apart from Yaryna. We will stay with you Yaryna answered at once gazing at babusya with pleading eyes. We are already here nearly every day you would not mind would you. Kateryna Viktorivna remained still. She understood our feelings she saw how worn we were from the endless parental clashes. On one side we would truly be safe inside her calm home where homework could happen without noise books could be read in quiet and we could feel protected. She loved us without limit and stood ready to wrap us in care. On the other side what would become of our parents how would we explain that we no longer wished to live at home would they accept such an arrangement and if they did how would it shape their ties with us might the whole plan end in a complete break with them.
Let us not rush she said drawing a deep breath. I am always glad to have you here you know that. Still let us first speak with your mother and father perhaps together we can discover a way to mend things. Do not worry we will speak with them ourselves Yaryna declared with certainty smiling because babusya had nearly consented and that mattered most. Only do not turn us down please we truly cannot remain there any longer it would be better for them apart otherwise one day they may truly harm each other. I saw father raise his hand toward mother yesterday he did not strike her truly yet he stood on the brink. Yaryna fell quiet recalling that awful instant when she had gone to the kitchen for water and stopped in the doorway father half turned his arm lifted sharply mother instinctively ducked then a second later he lowered it yet that second stretched into forever for her.
Babusya agree I urged stepping nearer and taking her hand as if fearing refusal. We will help you with every household task only do not send us back there they pay us no attention at all yesterday I went to father and told him about the parent meeting you know his reply go to mother so I did guess what mother answered. Go to father babusya asked quietly already knowing. Precisely I answered with a bitter laugh and then they argued another two hours over who would attend sitting in separate rooms shouting across the corridor while I simply stood and listened. And I asked for a signature on permission for the museum excursion Yaryna added lowering her gaze her fingers twisting the edge of her sleeve and now I am the only one in class who will not go neither signed the paper instead they began arguing once more mother shouted that it was father’s duty and father insisted mother should handle school affairs.
Kateryna Viktorivna watched us and saw the depth of our exhaustion in our eyes lay not ordinary tiredness but the kind built over months when every day mirrored the last when family warmth gave way to constant clashes when support gave way to indifference. It is always this way I sighed letting my shoulders drop my voice heavy as though I had repeated the words hundreds of times. Any request from us becomes fuel for a fresh quarrel we do not even wish to return home a couple of days ago we arrived at eleven in the evening and do you think they scolded us no they simply sent us to bed without asking where we had been yet afterward they accused each other of poor upbringing for a long while. We teenagers sighed together once more. In recent months we had seriously weighed whether our parents divorce offered the sole escape from this situation. Yet the prospect of separation from each other frightened us that split would inevitably follow divorce one of us would remain with mother the other with father and our usual closeness would shrink to occasional weekend meetings.
We weighed possibilities whispering late in our room when alone. One evening I suggested half in jest that we could simply run away take our backpacks and head wherever our feet led. I said it with a smile hoping to ease the tension yet Yaryna took the notion seriously her eyes lit for a moment then she spoke softly what if we truly left at least for a few days in that instant we both grasped the family atmosphere had grown so unbearable that even flight no longer felt entirely mad. Then the thought struck babusya why not move in with her the idea arrived for both of us at once as though our minds worked together. Yaryna voiced it first let us ask babusya whether we may live here she will not scold or shout and we will not have to hear these endless fights I added at once yes she is kind she always backs us and her flat is large enough space will not be an issue. We began to picture the new life quiet breakfasts homework done in peace evenings spent playing board games with babusya no shouts no accusations no need to hide in our room to avoid a sudden outburst. For the first time in ages hope stirred in our hearts let the parents settle their own matters we would finally gain calm that is what Yaryna and I imagined as we thought about living with babusya.
Later we stood before our parents and spoke with steady voices mother father we must have a serious conversation we twins said firmly we had waited until both were home that evening and entered the living room with resolve Yaryna held my hand tightly it helped her stay composed but first promise you will listen to everything we say before giving your opinions. Father Mykhailo lifted his eyes from the phone in surprise mother Oksana who had been arranging items on the sofa straightened abruptly her face showed she thought we had said something impossible. This is all your doing she huffed folding her arms across her chest the children are already giving us conditions as though we must answer to them. And who is talking the man flared at once setting the phone aside I am always at work trying to provide for everyone you stayed home the whole time and what did you teach them why do they now issue orders. We glanced at each other we had expected the talk to slide at once into the familiar pattern of mutual blame yet retreat was not an option.
Enough Yaryna cried nearly in tears she stepped forward striving to speak clearly and calmly though everything inside shook. Yaryna and I have thought it over and decided you must divorce. The room went silent at once mother froze with her mouth half open and father rose slowly from the sofa. Now that is something new her voice turned threatening Yaryna you are still too young to tell adults how to live their lives and what else have you decided perhaps you will also split our flat for us. If you refuse to divorce we will go to the child protection services I said gripping my sister’s hand as though drawing strength from it my voice held firm though inside I barely believed I spoke the words in earnest and then father you could lose your job at your company scandals are frowned upon you yourself said reputation means everything. And you mother Yaryna went on looking straight into her eyes the neighbors will stop respecting you they will not even speak with you everyone already knows how you shout at each other and we will supply the details. They are threatening us just look at them Oksana finally managed shifting her gaze from one of us to the other these are our children how can you treat us this way.
We are not threatening I said quietly yet firmly we simply want you to understand living like this is impossible we are exhausted exhausted from the shouting from you not hearing us from the simplest requests turning into battles. You will divorce move apart and we will live with babusya we finished together as we had practiced in advance this will be better for everyone calm for us no constant clashes for you we no longer wish to stand between you like between two fires. The parents froze for the first time in a long while they found no reply. Usually in such talks they would begin arguing interrupting one another hunting for blame yet now both seemed struck dumb. Their thirteen year old children acted in a way no one expected Yaryna and I stood side by side hands clasped looking at them with steady eyes free of usual shyness and we spoke of serious matters the adults themselves tried to avoid thinking about. The couple had considered divorce more than once yet the same question always halted them with whom would the children stay separating twins seemed unthinkable they were bound so closely always doing everything together supporting each other the parents could not picture tearing one from the other forcing separate homes and meetings only on weekends.
The idea of staying with babusya had never crossed their minds before perhaps because both had been too wrapped in their own grievances and claims against each other yet now hearing our proposal Mykhailo and Oksana could not help wondering what if this offered the solution babusya loved her grandchildren she had a spacious flat she always welcomed them perhaps this would ease at least some of the strain. I will telephone mother father said at last through clenched teeth his voice came out thick as though each word cost effort if she agrees he never finished the sentence mother cut him off sharply and in her tone lay such weariness it startled even her then we will finally cease tormenting one another call I will be glad not to see your face every day. Her words hung there she had not intended to sound so cutting yet years of stored hurt and disappointment let them slip free. And how glad I will be father answered trying to mask with irony the pain her words caused him no anger colored his tone only a bitter smile at what their married life had become he took out his phone and slowly entered the number while the rings sounded both spouses looked in opposite directions avoiding each other’s gaze they did not yet know where the talk would lead yet both sensed the point of no return might already lie behind them.
That day the Kovalenko family reached a decisive choice it began with a lengthy talk between father and his mother Kateryna Viktorivna listened without interrupting only now and then asking for more detail. When father finished laying out everything a pause followed babusya drew a deep breath and spoke if both of you see that this will be better for the children I consent they will be safe here I will look after them. By evening the couple met in the kitchen for the first time in ages without shouts or mutual reproaches they sat facing each other and began sorting the particulars gradually step by step they settled on one point divorce stood as the sole reasonable exit from the situation the children would move to babusya and the parents would send her money each month for their upkeep. Neither planned to abandon the children to chance both father and mother swore they would visit on weekends yet on separate days so as to keep contact between themselves to a minimum. I will come Saturday morning and take them for a walk you will come Sunday father said wearily and mother nodded in agreement this will be simpler the chief thing is that the children do not feel cast aside. Their main aim was to reduce communication and thereby steer clear of fresh clashes they agreed never to discuss one another in front of us never to draw us to either side never to settle scores while we were present. We remain their parents father said and we must stay so even if we cease being spouses. Time showed the choice proved sound the children at last could ease and begin living as ordinary teenagers Yaryna enrolled in a drawing group she had long wished for yet earlier constant worries left no room I took up football and found new companions on the team we began spending time together once more walking the city going to films talking over school matters without dread that another clash might erupt at any moment.
Stability also returned to our studies we now had a quiet spot for lessons no one interrupted with shouts or arguments homework got done calmly without nerves and grades improved at once teachers noticed the change you have grown so attentive keep it going gradually life settled into a fresh rhythm not flawless yet steady and foreseeable we no longer hid in our room we no longer started at loud voices we no longer fretted over every step we simply lived the way teenagers should when they manage to find steadiness amid the hardest circumstances. Five years later the Kovalenko family life moved along measured and steady Yaryna and I had grown used to the new pattern studies clubs time with friends warm evenings at babusya’s the parents still arrived in turns each on their chosen day with gifts and attention yet without mutual grievances over those years they had learned to speak with restraint and courtesy free of earlier anger flashes. The first direct contact between the former spouses occurred at our graduation celebration the school held a formal evening and both parents naturally attended they kept their distance at first choosing seats at opposite ends of the hall yet the chill slowly thawed. When dancing began father unexpectedly approached mother shall we dance and recall the past she hesitated briefly then nodded. After the evening they sat for a long while in the school yard watching graduates enjoy themselves by the fountain conversation arose naturally at first about the children then about earlier days. They spoke much that night recalling happy moments from their marriage and conducted themselves with dignity they spoke not of old hurts but of the good that once bound them the twins watching from afar could not help feeling glad yet it still pained us to see two people closest to us treat each other almost like enemies.
Yet suddenly trouble came out of nowhere the very next day father and mother invited us to a cafe over cups of tea they glanced at each other took each other’s hands and father announced with a broad smile children mother and I have thought it over and decided to marry again over these years we have understood our feelings never died we still love each other and wish to become a family once more his voice carried joy as though sharing the greatest news of his life mother beamed clearly awaiting an excited reply. The twins looked at each other our faces darkened at once distrust flickered in Yaryna’s eyes I clenched my fists beneath the table the same mistakes again what was passing through their minds could they truly live together without clashes are you serious Yaryna managed to say absolutely father answered with certainty we have both changed we have learned to listen to each other and we want to give our family another chance. We stayed silent inside conflicting emotions churned on one side we wished to believe the parents had truly managed to change on the other we feared the pain we had already endured would repeat. Yet we did not try to talk them out of it we offered no comment at all which deeply upset them mother looked at us bewildered are you not glad we thought you would rejoice for us. The twins merely exchanged glances and lifted their shoulders what could we say do not do this do not ruin your own lives the words lodged in our throats we did not wish to appear heartless yet we could not pretend everything was fine either. Until the meeting ended talk stayed awkward the parents tried to describe their plans the children nodded politely yet thoughts wandered far on the way home Yaryna spoke softly to me I hope they know what they are doing I only sighed in reply.
So we head to the capital Yaryna said opening her laptop to scan university sites farther from this madness I already picture how this circus will finish. Of course we go I answered firmly and my voice carried fatigue beyond my years I passed a hand over my hair as though shedding the weight of recent months they will live in peace for a month at most two then everything repeats shouts door slams accusations I no longer wish to remain a hostage to their relationship I do not wish each morning to guess what mood they woke in today and upon whom the next wave of reproaches will fall. I rose and paced the room mechanically gathering scattered books one thought circled why do adults who ought to model wisdom and steadiness behave like unbalanced teenagers why instead of solving difficulties do they step on the same errors again and again. We must leave I repeated halting by the window outside twilight slowly fell tinting the city in soft orange hues I gazed into the distance as though seeking to glimpse my future there far away so far their quarrels cannot stretch to us let them settle matters themselves we are no longer their counselors their go betweens their targets we possess our own life our own dreams and I will not allow them to wreck it with another cycle of parental folly. When do we submit the papers Yaryna asked calmly. Tomorrow I answered without wavering so we do not change our minds. The girl nodded in silence her eyes fixed on the screen pages from capital university sites flickered she had spent a week examining study programs dormitory conditions and job prospects after graduation beside the laptop her notebook filled with lists advantages and drawbacks of each choice required documents deadlines contacts for admissions offices.
The main thing is to study in peace without distraction from their disputes she said quietly as though summing her thoughts good that we will be so distant exactly I agreed settling beside her I tilted my head slightly reading lines on the screen and when they again begin sorting who is at fault we will not even hear let them telephone complain attempt to summon us to family councils we no longer take part and their wish to grant the relationship a second chance I smiled bitterly remains their choice not ours. Mother and father did go through a second wedding this time they deliberately avoided any grand celebration they wanted no extra costs no attention and honestly they did not feel any need for something large they kept to a modest ceremony at the registry office and dinner among the closest relatives parents a few friends and us children. In the photographs from that day they appeared genuinely content they smiled held hands looked at each other with affection and warmth the frame showed intertwined fingers soft glances light touches it seemed all grievances had been forgotten that years apart had helped that now they knew exactly what they wanted and ahead lay only a bright future the children viewing those images could not help wondering perhaps this time matters would truly differ. Yet alas no the first weeks after the wedding passed surprisingly calmly the spouses strove to show more attention to each other said thank you more often avoided fault finding over small things yet gradually old habits crept back already after one month raised voices sounded again in their flat at first these were restrained reproaches quiet yet pointed you failed to clean up after yourself again why did you not warn you would be late you could help since you are home. Then open conflicts erupted arguments arose over trifles someone left damp towels in the bathroom someone forgot bread someone turned the television too loud words grew sharper voices louder intervals between clashes shorter.
And two months later just as I had foreseen the situation reached a boiling point one evening an argument over who should buy groceries swelled into a true storm father unable to hold back in rage flung a cup against the wall it shattered with a loud crash fragments scattered across the kitchen mother equally furious seized a plate from the table and hurled it to the floor the sound of breaking dishes rang through the flat. After such episodes the parents invariably tried to reach us each time the conversation opened the same way one of them dialed the number barely recovered from the quarrel and immediately unloaded the stored grievances can you imagine what he said today mother broke into sobs when Yaryna answered the call he does not even attempt to understand me son you must understand me she has no self control at all father said agitatedly to me I try truly I try yet she appears to hunt for a pretext. Yet Yaryna and I had learned to cut these monologues short gently yet without yielding we no longer entered long discussions we no longer tried to determine who was right or wrong our replies stayed brief yet solid mother I am in class now I will call later Yaryna said calmly checking the clock twenty minutes remained before lectures began but she had no desire to hear another outpouring father I have urgent work let us discuss this on the weekend I answered without lifting my eyes from the laptop screen I knew if I allowed the parent to vent the talk would stretch an hour and afterward I would still need to soothe them later and on the weekend always got postponed we found reasons studies part time jobs meetings with friends and gradually calls from the parents grew rarer Yaryna and I felt no guilt over this we simply guarded our nerves and time knowing we lacked the power to alter what unfolded between mother and father.
We twins truly possessed our own existence rich meaningful distant from parental dramas each of our days now formed from our own cares interests and plans rather than waiting for another quarrel behind the wall Yaryna lost herself in the study of psychology she enjoyed unraveling how the human soul functions why people act one way or another how to aid those caught in difficult spots in her third year she began volunteering at a center helping teenagers from troubled families there she conducted group sessions assisted the young people in voicing their emotions locating exits from complicated positions Yaryna recognized in those teenagers reflections of her own past and she attempted to offer them what she herself had once lacked attention support the sense that someone heard them. I discovered my place in information technology from the earliest courses programming captivated me the logic of code the chance to build functioning systems the solving of intricate technical challenges I spent much time before the computer mastering fresh programming languages joining student hackathons in my fourth year our team placed third in a regional contest for mobile application development this built my confidence and confirmed I moved in the proper direction I secured part time employment at a small information technology firm where I quickly proved myself a responsible capable worker while handling actual projects I learned to cooperate with colleagues to allocate time wisely to discover solutions in unusual circumstances.
The twins began shaping a future without constant reference to parental clashes Yaryna dreamed of opening her own practice aiding families to find common ground I considered starting my own business we discussed plans over tea in a cafe drew diagrams wrote ideas in notebooks and in those moments we sensed we possessed support we possessed direction we possessed a life belonging solely to us. When mother and father once more attempted to pull us into their difficulties they telephoned in tears began recounting how terrible everything was how they failed to understand each other the twins answered calmly and firmly we had discussed beforehand how to steer the talk so we would not break down so we would not slip into the familiar role of intermediaries enough dear parents sort matters yourselves Yaryna stated firmly you have your life we have ours but you are our children mother sobbed you must support us if you behaved normally instead of like small children we would support you I declared at once you committed an error by remarrying and you continue to torment each other you cannot coexist normally in one space so why cause each other pain divorce already and separate. These words might have seemed harsh yet my sister and I simply wished to live in peace. Looking back across all these years the clearest lesson I carry is that safeguarding one’s own mental balance sometimes demands stepping away from family storms no matter the ache involved because family ought to provide support rather than unending upheaval and only by claiming that distance can each person finally build a life rooted in calm and self respect.
